


Cards Against the Normandy

by ChimeraArts



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:22:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27230419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChimeraArts/pseuds/ChimeraArts
Summary: Between battles to save the galaxy from near-certain doom, the crew of the Normandy take a well-deserved break and are introduced to the Citadel's take on a classic human card game. Which crew member's renegade sense of humor, and knowledge of their squad members, will bring them victory?
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	Cards Against the Normandy

**Author's Note:**

> Co-created by spaced0lphin.tumblr.com

“So what is this game?” Shepard asked as she sipped at her beer, tilting causally back on her chair in the mess. They had at least eight hours until they would be landing for their next mission and, in an effort to boost morale and shake off the weight of the Reapers trying to snuff out all life, Shepard had busted out booze of every kind and suggested a game night for anyone involved.

Unsurprisingly, in under sixty seconds Joker had sent her a message on her omnitool saying that he had _just_ the game in mind, and once Shepard confirmed that it was not strip poker, (which, apart from definitely being against regulations was just unfair to Tali) she had agreed to his suggestion, which he insisted on being a surprise.

Joker placed a rectangular black box with white text on the table. “Hanar for Diplomacy!” He said with a flourish. “Gabby, Kenneth and I have been playing it from time while the rest of you are off getting shot and rackin’ up kill counts.” Joker said.

“Some of us only represent half of those activities.” Garrus drawled as he rolled his neck. 

Joker raised a brow. “Sure you do.” He said. “It isn’t at all possible that you are partial to headshots because you nearly got yours blown off.” The pilot added, eying the wicked scars covering half of the sniper’s face.

“Oh, come on, Joker,” Tali said. “Eating rockets is a key part of a balanced turian breakfast.” There was a teasing tilt to her helmet as she regarded the other dextro crewmember. “But headshots are overrated. You don’t have to worry about that kind of thing with a shotgun.”

“You also don’t have to worry about _aiming_ with a shotgun.” Garrus muttered.

“My aim is excellent, you bosh’tet.” Tali snapped.

Garrus gave her a sharp toothed grin. “Tali, I’ve seen you trying to control your _emergency induction port_ after two drinks. It could use some work.”

“So how do you play?” Shepard asked pointedly. 

Joker had finished shuffling a handful of white cards and began dealing them out to everyone at the table. Tali and Garrus shifted their attention to him. “So, everyone has a handful of cards that have different sayings and things written on them. One person pulls a white card from the box, reads it out, and everyone else has to pick something from their hand that they think would be selected by the person who read the black card. It's like diplomacy: reading people, trying to get inside their head-”

“And saying horrible things that are gonna make someone lose their shit.” Jack said with a laugh as she peered at the cards in her hand. “If you got to say this kind of shit in real diplomacy I’d totally try to become an ambassador!”

“Was Samara going to join us?” Liar asked as she fanned out her cards.

“Um, Joker said it might not be the best idea.” Sheaprd said, looking at the cards in her hand, “and now I think I might understand why.”

Joker looked surprisingly sheepish. “Didn’t wanna run the risk of one of the cards breaking her _code._ I can’t move fast enough to roll the dice on that one.”

“Range of anatomical references is fascinating.” Mordin said, his large eyes narrowing as he studied his cards, “although suggested activities with said anatomy parts is….unadvisable.” His brow rose as he picked up the last card Joker had dealt to him, “and painful.”

“This would be my kind of diplomacy.” Wrex rumbled as he glanced at the box where the rest of the black cards sat. “I just need ‘shoot them in the face’ to be in there somewhere.”

“I have a card that refers to one’s face being shot.” Javik said. “Do you want it added to your hand?”

“I don’t remember there being a card that says that.” Joker said, taking a swig of his beer. Javik turned the card in question so that the pilot could read it and Joker immediately snorted with laughter, causing him to choke on his beer. “A _moneyshot_ is a little different,” he coughed, “not quite what Wrex is going for.”

“It’s what I’d be going for!” Zaeed said with a wink.

“By the goddess.” Liara said, rolling her eyes. 

Javik frowned, “Would you like my moneyshot?” He asked, holding the card out to Zaeed. 

Garrus and Joker were both trying not to choke on their beers at that and even Liara’s cheeks had a purplish flush as she chuckled.

“Sorry mate,” Zaeed said with a grin. “You’re not _quite_ my type. ‘Preciate the offer though. I did know a broad who-”

“Here,” Shepard interrupted, swapping the much discussed card for another one, “probably easier to play if you understand what the card means.”

“Always found that human custom...perplexing. Not conducive to fertilization.” said Mordin.

“So who should judge the first round?” Liara asked quickly.

“I can go first!” Tali said eagerly. 

“Alright,” Joker said, “take a black card and read it out to us.” 

Tali tilted her head as she read, “What ended my last relationship?”

“And now see what you think she’d select from your hand!” Joker said, placing one of this cards hand face down on the table. “Doesn’t matter, though, cuz I’m definitely winning this round.”

The other assembled players each picked their own cards to play. Many brows were drawn together and several furtive glances were cast in the quarian’s direction. Jack threw down a card, the last to make a selection, and Tali shuffled the cards and started reading them aloud.

“...a varren. Political dissidence. One really, really good nut. Gloryholes.” Zaeed nodded approvingly, “The latest issue of Fornax. Nipple blades.” She winced, “those would cause a suit rupture for sure... a Fleet and Flotilla sing-a-long, and Third Base. Hmmmm,” She stared at the cards spread out on the table before her and the rest of the players watched intently. Jack's eyes were darting from the cards to various people at the table as if trying to figure out who had played what. 

“No contest.” Tali said at last. “Fleet and Flotilla sing-a-long. If they don't sing their hearts out, I have no interest being with them.”

The table erupted. 

“Come on! Gloryholes! I thought you were all about ‘ _emergency induction ports_ ’!” Jack cried, leaning over the table in frustration. 

"The question is what _ended_ the last relationship, Jack. Not what kept it going." Garrus said, raising his browplates in a suggestive manner.

“Nipple blades!” said Mordin avidly. “Pointed out yourself, problematic to suit function.”

Joker shook his head. “Third Base was _so_ good. Pfft. I thought for sure a bit of Quarians Gone Wild would land you in the ICU for at least enough time to put that idea on ice.”

“Sorry.” Tali said, shaking her head, “Fleet and Flotilla won my heart years ago.”

“And it just won me this round.” Garrus said with a cocky grin, holding out his hand for the card. 

Tali tipped her head back as she groaned. “Keelah.”

“Yep.” Garrus purred

“I hate you.” She flicked the card across the table to him.

“And I know you _so_ well,” he said as he slid the card towards him with a finger, fiddling with it until it was perfectly lined up with the edge of the table. 

“And we go around the table.” Joker nodded to Javik. The prothean selected a card, “This one,” he said “thinks that _blank_ would really suck.”

“This is totally my game.” Garrus said, quickly passing a card face down to Javik.

“Nah,” Wrex rumbled, “I’m coming for you, turian.”

Javik gathered the cards and then read through them, dropping them on the table before him as he did. “A pyjak in your pants. A book on How to Chat Up Hanar. A morally bankrupt Councilor-”

“Is there any other kind?” Liara asked with a chuckle

“Exactly why it ‘sucks’.” Shepard grumbled

“-a date with a thresher maw,” Javik continued. “A blowjob from a vorcha,” Zaed and Joker both shuddered.

“Not sure ‘sucks’ is the right word.” Joker muttered.

“An elcor reading of War and Peace. Ghosts…” Javik stared at the last card and started chuckling, the sound growing to a full laugh. “And the winning submission.” He dropped the card on the table. “An airlock.” Javik nodded. “Who had this card?”

“That would be this _primitive_ over here.” Shepard said with a grin.

“I like your style, commander.” Javik said with a wink. 

“Is actually a push.” Mordin said, shuffling the cards in his hand, “high pressure of air within the vessel moves-”

“It’s a game, Mordin.” Shepard whispered, taking the card to mark her win.

“All right pyjacks, lay ‘em on me.” Wrex said, selecting his black card. “Adventure. Romance: From Nosastra Vids comes Blasto 21: Enkindle _blank._ "

“Now that’s an amusing premise!” Liara said, biting her lip as she looked at her cards. 

“I tried to work on the demolitions teams for one’o those, once upon a time.” Zaeed said as he slapped a card down in front of Wrex. 

“Really?” Tali asked.

“Yeah,” Said Zaeed. “Batarian bloke runnin’ the company wouldn’t hire me, though.”

“Why not?” Tali placed a card before Wrex.

“Said my explosions were too big an’ they’d never be able to swing ‘em with the budget.” Zaeed grumbled, “...and he wasn’t in a hiring mood...dumb ass actually _watched_ when everything went boom. Blinded, all four eyes. No idea what he was thinkin’.”

Garrus nearly dropped his cards, he started laughing so hard. 

“Blinding explosions in vids would make watching a vid a little difficult.” Liara offered.

“Ah, the shit you see in them is fecking unrealistic!” Zaeed said. “The real stuff knocks you on your ass and leaves ya squintin’.”

“That’s why you roll with me.” Shepard said, raising her beer to the merc. “You take all the credits you want. We’ll give the Reapers a real show.”

“I don’t know that you need any help, Shepard.” Liara said, “Things have a habit of blowing up and breaking around you.” Shepard rolled her eyes and Wrex began reading through the cards placed before him.

“Adventure. Romance: From Nosastra Vids comes Blasto 21: Enkindle….50,000 volts straight to the nipples. Being on fire. An erection lasting longer than four hours. An asari stripper’s morning breath-”

“-Nuttin wrong with that,” said Zaeed. 

“...the darkest corner of the extranet. Tentacle porn-”

“Blasto vids don’t quite count.” Joker said.

“Shhh!” Shepard said, batting the bill of his cap with her hand so that it covered his eyes, as Wrex glared at the interruption. The pilot muttered under his breath as he adjusted the cap.

Wrex continued: “...Miranda’s best asset-”

“Really?” Liara said disapprovingly. 

But Wrex chuckled,“Wet dreams, and Sloppy seconds.” Garrus cocked his head to the side, frowning. “Hah!” Wrex laughed. “Wet dreams.” He picked up the blasto card and waved it around. “Alright, which a’ you picked this one? With a quad, wet dreams are no joke.”

Shepard’s crew looked expectantly around the table. 

“That would be me.” Said a smug voice. The air in the space next to Wrex shimmered as Kasumi’s shield dropped and she plucked the card from her hands.”

Liara looked thunderstruck, “when did you-”

“I thought there was an extra card.” Garrus mused.

“Glad you can _calibrate_ how many players there are supposed to be.” Shepard said, sipping her beer.

Mordin swirled his drink. “According to females of many species, forcible ejaculation of Krogan could be described as a _blast…”_

 _“_ And all they can say is ‘oh’.” Wrex added, giving the salarian a razor toothed smile.

“Keelah!” Tali moaned, covering her mask with her hands.

Wrex shrugged. “You right, that's what the quarian females say.”

“Yeah they do!” Jack sniggered.

“So are you going to play, Kasumi?” Shepard asked the room at large, as the thief had vanished from sight the moment she had claimed her card from Wrex.

“No, Shepard,” said a voice from behind Jack. “I am going to win.”

Jack jumped slightly, biotics flashing up her arms. “Damn spooky bitch...” she grumbled.

It was Garrus’ turn to draw a card from the box. The turian leaned forward, pulled one out and then reclined lazily in his chair and said, “During sex, this one thinks about _blank.”_

Joker flicked through his cards and muttered audibly, “Why isn’t there a ‘the stick up my ass’ card?” Garrus shot him some exasperated side eye and the gathered players picked their cards. 

Liara finally added hers to the pile and Garrus picked them up, shuffled, and began reading. “ _Die for the Cause._ The heavy breathing of a volus _._ Organic produce _._ A young quarian, out on pilgrimage, lost in the Terminus system, willing to do anything for some credits-”

“If I ever meet the bosh’tet who suggested that card to the game developers…” Tali growled, crossing her arms. Garrus caught Joker's eye as he placed the card face down on the table so that the writing wasn’t visible. Joker took a particularly large swig of beer.

Garrus went on reading, “Me time,” Zaeed laughed, “My two hundred pound varren father-”

“Heeeah, heeeah, heeeah!” Wrex rumbled. 

“The forty batarian eyes watching me,” Garrus grimaced and his mandibles clenched against his jaw in distaste, and then coughed when the next card. “Well, not that one,” he said, quickly placing it facedown on the table.”

“What!” Jack snapped, “you gotta read all of them, watching people squirm is half the fun.”

“Jack is actually right.” Joker said.

Garrus glared at the two humans and then cleared his throat. “Uh...um…”

“What was the prompt card again?” Liara asked, leaning forward and giving Garrus a knowing smile. 

“I do not recall.” Javik said, “but I would appreciate a reminder.”

Garrus scowled. “Ok, I’m letting all of you get shot on the next mission.”

“Statistically speaking,” Mordin chimed in, “single crewmember has little effect on potential hits taken by others.”

“Grow a quad and read it, turian.” Wrex leared.

“I’ll stick with what I’ve got, _thanks.”_ Garrus said. He cleared his throat and said. “Uhh...during sex, this one thinks about….my C.O.” Joker guffawed as Garrus sat very still, his face impassive, as his eyes flicked to Shepard.

“Who the hell put that in there?” Shepard demanded, glaring accusingly at Joker.

“Ahhh man, I _wish_ that had been me.” The pilot said, wiping moisture from his eyes. Shepard eyed the rest of her crew suspiciously, Liara raised her hands innocently, grinning, and a few others shook their heads. 

“Not my card,” Mordin said with a shrug. “However, logical choice: turians respect authority, value accomplishments. Commanding officer might stimulate-”

“We’re not done yet,” Garrus said hastily. “Last card’s still here,” he said, waving it in the air. “During sex this one thinks about…” he peered down at the card, “popping my red hot thermal clip.” His mandibles trembled as he fought not to laugh. “And that’s the winner.” He grinned at Shepard. “Sorry, Commander.”

“Oh, don’t be.” Shepard said, “I know the Black Widow is your one true love,” she grinned and held out a hand, “and that’s _exactly_ why I played that card.”

A chorus of approving whistles and laughs rang through the room. “You’re a monster.” Garrus chuckled as he tossed the card at Shepard.

“And now we get to see if everyone knows what kind of a monster I am.” Shepard pulled a card from the box and immediately frowned at it. “Um...this one looks like it’s handwritten” she said with uncertainty.

“Oh yeah!” Joker sat up eagerly. “There are blank ones where you can write in your own stuff! Garrus actually helped Gabby, Kenneth and I come up with a bunch of them! What’s that one say?” He asked eagerly.

There was a furious gleam in Shepard's eyes as she growled. “I’m Commander Shepard and this is my favorite _blank_ on the Citadel.”

There was complete silence in the room which was eventually broken by the sound of Tali snorting as she fought to contain her laughter, her self control severely impared due to the two empty bottles and the discarded ‘emergency induction port’ on the table in front of her.

“I think I know who might have helped with this one.” Shepard said as her burning gaze shifted to the scarred turian across the table who became very interested in his hand of cards. Garrus felt a deep rush of jealousy for the mask that was concealing Tai’s expression as he fought to keep his mandibles from twitching.

Joker openly sniggered as he selected a card from his hand and slid it across the table to Shepard.

“Oh, I _like_ this game!” Liara said with a grin as she passed Shepard her card.

“I feel like you shouldn’t be allowed to play,” Shepard said. “Being the Shadow Broker probably gives you an unfair advantage.”

“Maybe,” Liara said, “but it didn’t stop me from ending up with ‘organic produce.’” She shook her head.

“You never know,” said Jack, sliding her card across the table. “Maybe the turian gets all turned on by farm-to-table?”

“Farm-to-table?” Zaeed said, “Never heard of that position.”

“Alright,” Shepard said. “Let's get this over with. I’m Commander Shepard and this is my favorite _blank_ on the Citadel.” She began picking up the cards. “Biotic hand job. Elcor stripper.” She paused. “...dance move….” Her lips thinned and her eyes promised death. “Great to have soooo much _respect_ from my crew.” Wrex grinned at her. Shepard turned back to the cards. “Bathroom floor… Well there are only two people who would put that card down.”

“Just because you only take two of us on a mission doesn't mean the others don’t hear what happened!” Joker said with a snicker. 

She sighed. “Remind me why I stopped you from dying on the SR1?” She looked back to the cards and sighed. “Vibrator. Sushi restaurant. All you can eat shrimp for 100 credits. Black eyed reporter.” She started shaking with laughter and took several deep breaths, trying to keep reading. Finally, she looked at the last card and immediately turned red. “Replacement fish!” She snarled, holding up the card to show everyone, which had ‘balls’ scratched out and ‘replacement fish’ scratched into the surface of the card.

“Hey, don’t graffiti the cards!” Joker moaned. 

Wrex laughed and didn’t bother to hide the bits of scratched card littering the table in front of him. 

“Commander Shepard,” Liara said with a teasing smile, “defender of the weak, protector of the galaxy, slayer of aquarium pets!” 

“Impressive, actually,” Mordin said with a smile, “osteichthyes remarkably hardy, requires extreme neglect-”

“I have been very _busy_ convincing the Council the Reapers are real and keeping you lot alive!”

“Thank the goddess we have Gardner to make sure we all get fed!” Liara said.

“I don’t know why I recruited any of you.” Shepard grumbled, hunching as she glared at the cards. She threw one down in front of her. "Since I'm so infamous for giving out black eyes to reporters - and _anybody else who bothers me_..." She glared around the table. "Who else wanted the same makeup job?” The rest of the crew were silent, several biting their lips to hold back laughter. “Well?” She asked. “No one has anything to say to that?”

Garrus pushed himself up from the table. “You know what, I should go.”


End file.
